An Interview with Margaret Dilloway-Author
I interviewed Margaret Dilloway, a friend and the author of the critically acclaimed debut novel, HOW TO BE AN AMERICAN HOUSEWIFE. The novel is about the strong pull of tradition, and the lure and cost of breaking free of tradition. Set in California and Japan, it tells the story of Shoko, a Japanese woman who married an American GI as a way of improving her and her family’s fortunes, moved with him to the States, and tried to learn how to be a proper American housewife; and her grown daughter Sue, who finds her own life as an American housewife is not at all what her mother would have wanted for her, or even what Sue had hoped for herself. When Shoko’s illness prevents her from making a long-awaited trip to Japan to be reunited with her brother, she asks Sue to go in her place, and the trip changes both women’s lives in unexpected ways. With beautifully delineated characters and unique entertaining glimpses into Japanese and American family life and aspirations, this is also a moving mother and daughter story. Interspersed with quotations from Shoko’s guide to being an American housewife, this is a warm and engaging novel full of surprising insight.
The memoir I’m working on, HOLDING ON AND LETTING GO: A MOTHER’S STORY, is about how wrecked I was when my oldest daughter went off to college. It’s the exploration of my relationship with my daughter and why I continued to hold on to the past and discover why it was so difficult to let her go. My interview with Dilloway allowed me to ask about her relationship with her mother, and how this novel enlightened that relationship. As Dilloway says, “ this novel is a conversation with my mother I never got to have.” Dilloway’s mother passed away when Margaret was twenty. Dilloway, a stay-at-home mother of three who lives with her family in Hawaii, says this book “gave me a chance to rewrite her [her mother's] life with the happy ending she wished for and wanted so badly for me.”
Margaret Dilloway, Author
You said your novel is a continuation of a conversation you wished you could have had with your mom. What would the gist of the conversation?
Just a conversation that says, “Hey, this is where I’m coming from, I understand where you’re coming from, and I love you unconditionally. I’m sorry I was hard on you.” Something like that.
After writing the novel, do you see your mother differently? If so, in what ways? If not, why not?
I had been thinking of her and her background for some time, recording her stories and so forth. But the book allowed me the luxury to really think deeply about our differences and commonalities. I really FELT how she had felt, coming here [to the United States from Japan]. It’s like the difference between hearing a news story filled with facts, and a novel filled with emotional truth.
What’s something you wish you would have held on to?
The thought that my mother really just wanted me to be happy, whatever that meant to me.
What’s something you would have wished you let go of a long time ago?
I wish I would have let go the visceral recollection of every harsh word and action.
What’s the best and worst parenting advice you’d ever gotten?
My paternal grandmother told me, “I did everything wrong. Don’t do ANYTHING like me.” That was probably the most interesting piece of advice I got.
The best: “Let your kids be who they are, and enjoy them.”
The worst: “Don’t let your baby eat with his hands, because it’s too messy.”
Do you believe in the labels of good mom and bad mom? What makes a good mom? Bad mom? (The Bloggess has a blog about good mom, bad mom and how her and her writing partner don’t believe in these labels.)
Sure, you can be a bad mom. A bad mom is neglectful of her child’s emotional or physical needs. A good mom provides food, shelter, and teaches character traits such as empathy and responsibility.
I sure don’t think women should be hung up on labels. I wouldn’t call someone a “bad mother” because she works or doesn’t work, or brings store-bought cupcakes or doesn’t push their kid to excel in every single area. The primary goal of parenting is to raise independent good citizens. I think everyone should do the best they can, and as long as they’re providing these very basic necessities, the kid ought to be fine.
What’s the difference between raising boys and girls?
I don’t think there’s much of a difference. You teach them the same moral values, and you are respectful of their individual temperaments.
This is your first novel. What’s the best part of having a novel published? What’s the most surprising part? What single piece of advice would you give to a writer hoping to get published?
The best part is having your work acknowledged and getting some “street cred” for being a writer.
Most surprising: How long the process took. The novel didn’t get published for two years after I signed the contract, and there was a lot of editing work, too. Rest assured, it’s not the same for every single novel.
Advice: Read and write a lot, and keep trying.
You’re writing a new novel, what’s it about?
It’s called “The Cupcake Queen” and is about a cupcake baker whose dead husband is haunting her. It takes place in Hawaii and Julian, California, both of which are really haunted places. There are tons of ghost stories in Hawaii, and I wanted to take advantage of my new location. Also, I like cupcakes.
What conversation would you like to have with your mother?
It’s always interesting to hear the thoughts of mothers on their own relationships with their mothers (particularly since Dilloway is at a later stage of parenting), and certainly interesting to hear about first novels, the process, and so on.
I enjoyed this very much, Michelle.