Musings of a Midlife Mama and Other Stories

Have you heard about “$h*! My Dad Says“? Justin Halpern, a comedy writer, moved from LA back in to his parents’ home in San Diego. There, he transcribed the hysterical and salty (The man can cuss.) things his 73-year-old father said and posted them on Twitter. Halpern got a following, a book deal, and now a TV show on CBS starring William Shatner.

Here are some of the highlights from Halpern’s dad:

“That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won’t screw you. Don’t do it for them.”

“Engagement rings are pointless. Indians gave cows…Oh sorry, congrats on proposing. We good now? Can I finish my Indian story?”

“YOU, a published writer?..Internet don’t count. Any asshole can throw shit up on there.”

“You seen my cell phone?…What’s it look like? Like two horses fucking. It’s a phone, son. It looks like a phone.”

“I didn’t say you were ugly. I said your girlfriend is better looking than you, and standing next to her, you look ugly.”

“Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn’t invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that.”

“A scar ain’t 13 god damned stitches. I’ll introduce you to men with REAL scars, then we’ll all laugh at your fucking 13 stitches together.”

For two years, I’ve been posting comments on FaceBook from my son. While Jack’s not as ”eloquent”  as Halpern’s dad, Jack does have insight beyond his seven years on this planet. Below are just a few of the highlights from  $h*! Jack says:

On women’s fashion and decorum..I was taking Jack to school and we were late.  I grabbed his hand to run to his kindergarten class.  He gave me a once over and said, “You look like you just rolled out of bed.  Did you brush your hair?”  I shook my head no.  “Did you brush your teeth?”  I shook my head no.  “Tell me you’re at least wearing a bra.”  How does a five-year-old know that wearing a bra is the bar to being presentable in public or not.

On judging people…“I really like Mike.”  Mike is his aunt’s boyfriend. “He’s really nice to me.  And he smiles a lot.” 

“Yeah,” I said. “ It seems like Mike has a big heart.” 

“I bet he has a big pancreas, too.” 

“Honey, the heart thing was a joke.”

“Yeah, Mom, I knew what you meant.”

On living your life…“Mom, I hate that people work for money and not fun.”

I said, “Boy, I understand that.”

“I bet you in Africa they really need jobs,” Jack said.  ”And I bet they’re not very funny but very serious.”

On silence…“Do you think you could die if you didn’t speak?” Jack asked.

“No, there are plenty of people who don’t talk like monks, priests and others who have taken a vow of silence.”

 ”Did Buddha speak?”

“Yeah, but he also had long periods where I’m sure he didn’t,” I said.  “I can’t imagine not talking. I like to talk.”

 ”No kidding.”

On teacher appreciation..Jack was wracking his brain about what to put in a letter to his teacher for Teacher Appreciation Week.

“I really don’t appreciate her,” he said.

I said, “How about a subject she’s taught you?”

“Well, I do like to write stories like you.”

“Okay, how about ‘I love to wr–’”

 ”Whoa, Whoa,” Jack said.  ”That’s a little weird saying “love” to a teacher. I’ll do it, but I’m letting you know I’m signing it: Sincerely, Jack.

On women…I’d been the SPRITES’, a mother-daughter philanthropic organization, co-president.

Jack asked, “How was it being the SPRITES’ president?”

“It was good.  But I only have another month and then it’s over.”

“Then you’ll be the President of the World?” Jack asked.

“Oh, no,” I said.  “I won’t be the President of the World or the President of the United States.”

“You know I don’t know any woman who has been President of the United States, and that’s sad.”

On names…”Mom, you know how people look like their names?”

“Give me an example,” I said.

“You know my name is Jack. I look like a Jack. You’re mama. You look like a mama. But your real name is Michelle. You don’t look like a Michelle.”

“Who do I look like?”

“Without the hair, Steve.”

What’s words of wisdom have you’ve gotten from the mouth of babes?

COMMENT OF THE DAY: Mrs. G says, “I love Justin Halpern!! I write letters to my mother that sum up some of her life’s philosophies. It helps get me through the day!”