Musings of a Midlife Mama and Other Stories

Dear Jack,

I’m writing today because I need to make promises to you when you are a senior in high school.  I know, I know, you’re only in first grade.  But that’s why I have to tell you now. You don’t know this but time goes by fast. I realized this when Molly graduated from high school.  And now with Kelly’s graduation near, I want time back. 

I’m losing you, aren’t I?  I’m not making sense. Yes, you can go outside and look for bugs in a minute. 

Listen, I’ve made some mistakes with the girls.  Without realizing it I followed the credo, why do today, what you can put off tomorrow? Here it is many tomorrows later and I have a lot to do.  I won’t put off writing this letter.

Here are my promises to you.  I promise to go to every parent-tag-along day at your high school.  Today you like having me around, most of the time.  So in seven years, I like to think you will still like hanging out with me.  As you get older, you will never, ever admit this.  I get it.  I promise not to call you out about this in front of your buddies.  But just know that I know. 

I promise to try to like the girls you bring home.  You will bring them home to meet me, right?  Liking them is going to be tough.  Just ask Molly and Kelly.  They will tell you while I have been cordial and polite to their boyfriends.  They will also say they knew exactly how I felt about these boys.  They were not good enough.  Simple fact: no boy or girl, man or woman are ever going to be good enough for my kids.  No one.  But I also want you, and Molly and Kelly, to be happy.  So I promise to be nice to those people who are good to you and who make you happy.  I will grumble about the girls you bring home behind closed doors.  I promise. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about the transition from high school to college, from childhood to adulthood since I’ve been writing (and rewriting) the memoir about when Molly went off to college.  And Kelly will be graduating in three months.  All this ruminating over this change, these changes, has made me understand I haven’t found ways with dealing with this loss.  Make no mistake, it is a loss.  But I’m learning with loss there is gain. Henry Wadsworth said in his poem, Loss and Gain, ” Defeat may be victory in disguise; The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide.”  I know, Jack, I’m quoting poetry I’ve gone too far.  Haven’t I?

Okay then one last promise.  When you are a senior in high school I promise not to get mushy and cry every time there is an ending, the football banquet at the end of the season, the last high school dance, the last baseball game, the last report card.  This is the way I was with Molly and now Kelly.  I cry at everything.  I promise I won’t when–Who am I kidding?  I will cry.  I warned you. 

Yes, yes, now you can go outside.  Go ahead and flood the ant colony.  Dissect the caterpillar. 

I love you!

Mom